Dear person in a secret-relationship,
This is hard, isn't it? Being in a situation that you cannot freely share with most people and yet...it's consuming you in so many ways. It's like holding an invisible weight that you really wish you could put down, but can't.
I am writing this letter to you because I want you to know that being in a relationship with someone who isn't fully available is no easy task. It can be truly consuming of our attention and energy even when we don't want to think about it! There may have been a time when you felt that you could do this -that it wouldn't hurt or be messy...and that has now changed. And you don't know what to do next-you may even want to get out but then again, one text, one phone call and you feel you're back to wanting to stay.
I am so sorry, dear person, that you are feeling the way you are. I truly feel for you because while we are taught to do everything in this world; from learning how to speak, read, write, drive a car...no one teaches us "What to do When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship With a Married/Otherwise Attached Person". There are websites and books out there for divorce, heartbreak, making relationships better...There is no manual, no instruction book however to tell you "How to feel better when you are in a relationship no one can even know about".
I haven't met you yet, but I imagine that one of the many things you feel right now is isolated. On the outside, not many can tell what's going on for you...but on the inside? You feel messy, stuck, like you cannot make a decision and stick with it or you may even be plain ole mad at yourself because "I chose this". It may even be possible that you feel confused- how did something that was just physical or "just friends " or "coworkers turn into something that has you tossing and turning at night and trying so hard to not think about him/her during the day?
How did you get here? What do you do now that you are here?
That's where I come in, dear person. You see, there isn't a Handbook for Secret Relationships but there is a way for you to NOT feel the way you are. For you to feel free, happy and maybe even excited about your future again. There is a way to not always be in second place...not be the "Other" in someone's world. I am not here to judge you...I have no reason or business to. I am not even here to convince you to stay or get out. I am here because I see where you are and I see that it isn't easy. I am here because I care about helping people in your situation find their way from stuck to happy. You deserve that. Yes, you. You deserve the same kind of joy as every other person is entitled to out there. We can figure out what "joy" means for you, how to get there and how to step into living a life that doesn't feel so heavy and complicated.
We figure this out by going through some important, safe and open conversations about where you are in your life right now. Sometimes that means exploring "OMG! Why did I do this?" and other times it means something entirely different . No judgment involved. We then may even find that it's important to talk some more about what it would be like to freely and non judgmentally accept where you are...experience the peace that comes with Acceptance that is often necessary before we decide to change things up! We then build on those conversations to talk about what you would like next in your life and relationship. I call this Unpacking the Secret Suitcase(because sometimes it feels like you're walking around with this secret carry-on filled with difficult feelings). We Unpack, look at all that's inside and find ways to Unhook from everything that you feel is keeping you stuck. We then Repack the suitcase- this time releasing what doesn't serve you and keeping what you want. We then may even work on being someone who wants to be in First Place...someone who is a priority to someone else and no longer waits for leftover time or that secret text at 2 am.
There are strategies, solutions and deep exploration that I would be happy to share with you,dear person. No matter what your preferences for the relationship you are in or even for yourself, the way things feel today, don't have to be long term.
You don't have to feel like an "Other".
-Because you matter.
Your happiness matters.
Feel free to contact me, dear person, should you feel like you want to have a conversation about what we can do together. You can call me at 619-306-8581 or email me on firstname.lastname@example.org.
In support of your happiness,